The Vagenda

My Husband Emotionally Abused Me

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Three weeks ago I came to the realisation that I have been emotionally abused by my husband.  It wasn’t such a smack-in-the-face realisation – I guess I have known something pretty fucked-up was going on all along, if I’m completely honest.

At my lowest point, a few weeks ago, having been told to “go fuck yourself you moron” for ‘deliberately slamming’ a door, I turned to my favourite companion in times of distress – good old t’internet.  I was amazed and comforted to find so many websites and forums with plenty of women (and some men) describing exactly what I was going through, and the term that was applied was ‘Emotional Abuse’.  Being able to put a name to what I had been experiencing was a huge relief.  I wanted to run through the streets shouting “See!  I wasn’t crazy!  I was being abused!”

You see, I had actually been questioning my own thoughts, reactions and even sanity because he made me feel as if his behaviours were completely justified and that my reactions were always exaggerated.  He had royally shat on my self-esteem.

So I wanted to share some of behaviours I experienced, partly as a form of catharsis and also to flag up some of the features of Emotional Abuse – perhaps they will ring true with some readers who will now be able to put a name to what they are experiencing.

Constant criticism

This usually revolved around a) my clothes – I don’t like to have loads of useless shit in my wardrobe I never wear and I don’t see the point of spending half my salary on clothes.  Yet he made me feel as if I had no self-respect because I didn’t like to go out and buy ‘decent’ clothes on a regular basis.  Yet even when I started buying clothes in shops he approved of, he would find fault.  Then there was b.) my contribution to housework – even though I was the one getting up at five thirty every morning to go to work while he was not working, and I would come home to do the shopping and cooking every evening, it was simply never enough.  He complained that I never opened the curtains in the morning… “Yes, darling, because it was still dark outside when I left for work and you were fucking SLEEPING!” And c.) my dangerous ice-cream desires – yes, he had a thing about ice-cream.  Sometimes I fancy an ice-cream. More than sometimes in the height of summer.  I’m only human for fuck’s sake.  Yet he would usually be disapproving and complain about how ‘fattening’ ice-cream is and then I would feel like a greedy cow for wanting it so much, by which time it was too late.

Unfair accusations of cheating

One evening he told me that a friend had shown him irrefutable evidence that I had been cheating on him.  Tonight was my last chance to confess, he said.  I denied everything but the pressure he put on me about this ‘evidence’ made me question my own sanity.  Had one of his friends seen me kiss someone goodbye and assumed I was cheating?  Perhaps I had actually kissed somebody and blanked it from my memory??  In the end, when he refused to show me the ‘evidence’ I started to suspect he was making the whole thing up.  I finally discovered that he had read my diary and found an excerpt in which I described a dream I had about cheating.  Even though the heading on the page clearly said ‘dreams’ and other dreams were described, he had been convinced of my unfaithfulness.  I actually left him for three days following that episode.  I was in shock at his behaviour and how easily I’d been manipulated.  When we spoke he found ways of justifying his behaviour and turned everything around by saying I had abandoned him and my reaction was exaggerated.  When I look back at this episode I feel like a first-class fool for going back to him.

Gaslighting

This one is particularly fucked-up.  The name of this type of manipulation comes from the film ‘Gas Light’ (1944) in which a husband attempts to manipulate his wife’s sense of reality in order to convince her that she’s insane.  The most blatant example of this happened a few weeks ago.  My husband said “Get me a coffee.”  There was no ‘could you’ or ‘please’ and the tone of voice was aggressive so I told him to get it himself.  He then became furious, insisting that he had asked me very politely and that I had over-reacted, as usual, and that my feminist ideas were making me crazy.

Not letting me react

Whenever he was hostile to me and I tried to defend myself or give an explanation, he would suddenly shout “Don’t raise your voice at me!” and turn everything around to focus on my ‘over-reaction’ to the situation rather than what had actually happened.

I could go into so much more – the jealousy, possessiveness, becoming frightening when angry, disapproving of friends, refusing to see a marriage counsellor (because I’m the only one with a problem) – but I reckon you get the picture already.

I am totes against victim-blaming but I do feel like I am responsible for allowing this to happen.  I Iet him control and emotionally abuse me.  I narrowed down my social engagements and hobbies.  I changed my style and started buying clothes in shops I knew he approved of.  I started to seek approval for even the smallest things.  I realise I wasn’t able to do or buy anything without checking that he liked it first.  I chose to ignore the voice inside that knew he was a controlling sonofabitch.

And so I ask myself: how did I, a Vagenda-reading feminist, allow him to treat me like a piece of shit?  Why didn’t I leave him after the crazy-diary-cheating episode?  Why didn’t I just buy the bloody Ben & Jerry’s?  First of all, I was (am?) so co-dependent that I simply couldn’t imagine living without him.  Whenever we had arguments and I felt like I was going to ‘lose him’ my anxiety and depression reached suicidal levels.  And I never told him (or anyone else for that matter) that I was feeling suicidal because I didn’t want to look like an attention-seeker.  So I just sucked it up and felt so relieved when we ‘made up’ that I just overlooked his awful behaviour.  Second of all, my self-esteem was so low that I believed that being with someone so strong and direct would ‘improve’ me somehow.  And thirdly, babies. I feel like I need to have a baby yesterday, but it just doesn’t make sense… I mean, I work with pre-school kids and I wouldn’t want to take any of them home with me!

What tipped the balance?   “Go fuck yourself you moron.”  Something inside snapped when he said that to me.  When he came to bed that night I pretended to be asleep but was trembling inside.  I could feel so much hatred emanating from him that I really thought he was capable of assaulting or even killing me.  I didn’t sleep at all out of fear.  The next day we met in a café and I told him I wanted him to move out of the flat (I’m paying for) he exploded in a barrage of insults, listing my faults and inadequacies including my favourite line of all: “You’re not fit to work with kids because you’ve had depression and a sexually-transmitted infection!”  Really?  Did I really marry this piece of work?

But he did move out and, despite playing the victim now, has not been causing any trouble so far.  More importantly, I feel FREE!  I cried a lot in the first week and developed a nasty bout of stress-related eczema but now I am healing inside and out.  I feel like I am rediscovering who I am and what I like and want.  And I realise how ‘lost’ I had become in the relationship.

It hasn’t even been a month since we separated and perhaps it is a bit odd writing all this in the past tense when it is still ‘happening’.  I do feel like an idiot for allowing the Emotional Abuse to continue but also proud and grateful that I was able to remove myself from the worsening situation.  I know I have a lot to work on and the future both scares and excites me.

Nora

59 thoughts on “My Husband Emotionally Abused Me

  1. It takes a lot of strength to leave someone who has emotionally abused and manipulated you. The undermining behaviours you describe have a massive impact on self esteem. Please don’t blame yourself in any way. You are stronger than you realise.

  2. This is a brave and wonderfully written account, thank you for writing this. I am going to share this widely. The way it’s written will appeal to many survivors of emotional (and other) abuse. I haven’t been abused by a spouse, but had a friend treat me in this way, causing me to doubt my mental health, myself, and those around me. I too feel stupid that I allowed it to happen, that I, as a woman who reads feminist websites daily, would let myself be abused by a female friend. But it happened, and the abuser is to blame, not you.

    This piece is direct, brutally honest and will help many. Thank you.

  3. You are not responsible for your own abuse. He manipulated you and made you feel unsafe specifically so he could control you and prevent you from leaving. He learned how to trigger your insecurities and used that to take advantage of you. You are not responsible.

  4. Wow. You just described my life, but I haven’t snapped yet. :(( if you can do it, maybe I can get the brass bosoms to go as well.,

  5. Thanks Nora. I experienced something very similar, though I wasn’t married to him. I didn’t think I was in an abusive relationship because he didn’t hit me. Emotional scars run deeper though. I’ve been free for a while, but it took a good year to remember who I was. But it’s good to have ‘me’ back. Thanks for sharing.

    If anyone reads your article and recognises the behaviour but is too scared to leave, please leave, it’s scary, but being free is amazing. You deserve better. No one should be scared.

    Sending you love, Nora.
    xx

  6. *APPLAUSE* your bravery and self-awareness in getting out of this while in the thick of it is immense. On a lower level than this, I have experienced the same abuse and the deep-seated self-doubt (and in my case obsession with my weight) implanted by the relationship lasted for several years afterwards, but I did get over it. It’s so easy to believe, but don’t blame yourself. You’re a bloody hero. You are fit for ANYTHING.

  7. Sending love! It is so good to hear that you realized and named his behaviour and that you took steps to end the relationship and free yourself from the abuse. The type of abuse you describe is unfortunately all too common and many women are just trained to accept it as normal. You have made the right decision and your fellow feminists support you. Wishing you all the best on your journey to healing.

  8. Thank you for sharing your story <3 That's an awful thing to realise but at the same time now you've got him out of the house and as you said can start your healing process. It might take a long time and sometimes you might feel like you're going backwards but if you're ever in doubt, reread your own blog and remind yourself how strong you are for getting out of that situation. All the best xxxx

  9. Don’t feel silly writing this at all, be proud of what you’ve written. I admire your courage, whilst I’m not going through anything like you have, I am going through a tough time at the moment – health wise. It makes me remember that others are suffering too, in very different ways sometimes and it’s nice for me to find strength through yours in this post. You got away from the abuse! well done i’ts a very hard thing for some people to do, you are a brilliant example out there for all the men and women suffering from all kinds of abuse. I just hope there are others out there like yourself who read this and think.. well why can’t I do that and get away ? He sounds like an awful person, and you sound amazing! I am a new reader and will be reading more from now on :)

    once again. Congrats and and enjoy finding yourself :)
    Jamie xox

  10. I can totally empathise with everything you have spoken about here. I was in a relationship like this and justified it with ‘well at least he doesn’t REALLY Hit me’. Sex with him was horrific and rarely wanted and is an area in which i still have issues 7 years later.
    Up until I sought counselling I thought this was a ‘normal’ relationship as it was all I’d ever witnessed, both friends and family. It can be a long and torturous journey at times once you have made the break but filled with beautiful moments of realisation and freedom which I for one will forever cherish now. I wish you great happiness on this journey, you wholeheartedly deserve it xxx

  11. I wish you so much luck with your future. I had a similar relationship where I pretty much gave up my life to appease his paranoia – never saw friends, didn’t get to visit family unless he was there, as he always thought I was cheating. We stopped going out to eat because he would think I was looking at other men (even when I was looking for my food coming out of the kitchen, I love food and get very impatient when I have to wait for it!). It was even a struggle to watch TV because if an advert or programme came on with an attractive man, he would nastily accuse me of looking – erm yeah, I’m watching TV so I am looking!

    It took physical abuse for me to eventually kick him out (did I mention he’d pretty much moved himself into my house because he didn’t trust me?). I wish I’d done it sooner, of course, but I don’t blame myself for it. I was trying to help him, but all the love in the world often isn’t enough to heal someone.

    Your future will be scary and exciting, but hopefully much more of the latter. I really appreciate you sharing your story, and wish you lots of happy times. With ice cream and the clothes you want to wear! x

  12. Thank you so much for writing this. For years I had been convincing myself I was just a terrible girlfriend to an ex and thats why his behaviour was so abusive towards me. The hatred of me seeing my friends to the point of ultimatums guaranteed to see me home with him instead, or the vitriol he would spew if I decided to have a bottle of wine in the evening, the stupid rules that only benefited him and would cause outbursts if broken, nothing I did was ever good enough… I thought as someone who had been in a physically abusive relationship before I would recognise the signs and get out of there, but because this type of mental torture is much more subtle than a punch in the face I was convinced I was a terrible person who was undeserving of his love.. I am so happy that you found the strength to leave him & can acknowledge that he abused you. Its easy to be consumed by guilt & feeling it was your fault- thats natural considering how much your own thoughts were manipulated against you- take control of your thoughts again and make them positive. Let yourself heal and come back to yourself.
    And again, thank you for giving me something back I hadn’t realised I’d lost.

  13. Thank you for sharing. I’m so glad you’ve escaped. I had a similar experience too (scary how many of us have, isn’t it) but luckily I didn’t marry him. Enjoy being yourself again, eat all the ice cream you want, and good luck x

  14. You are not responsible for his treatment of you. Please don’t think yourself an idiot. You didn’t say “hey, I give you permission to control and abuse me”. It is not your fault.

    Well done for telling him to move out. Be extra kind and gentle to yourself as you start to heal and move on with your life.

  15. I could not be more proud of you.
    Several members of my family, and more recently a very good friend, have all endured this sort of ‘relationship’. I too, though it took me a while to realise it, was in this sort of ‘relationship’ too once upon a time. I thought, because I had seen it I would be able to recognise it and walk away if it happened to me – I did eventually. And even though I felt awful at first I learner that these things don’t happen because we are weak, but because they are. The partners that do this are the ones in the wrong and blaming yourself, though inevitable, isn’t right.
    I am so proud of you for ending things with him, just like I am proud of my mum, my best friend and myself.
    I know from experience that things will get so much better, and you will be so much happier! Good luck with everything, and thank you for writing so beautifully.

  16. You’re not a fool. The way abusers manipulate people is to isolate them by finding fault with everyone around, so that there is no reality check to contradict anything they say. After that, when you hear a barrage of criticism which is consistent day after day, there’s nothing to counter it. Even if you are a Mensa-level scholar (which I was at the time, and it still happened to me), you will start to doubt your version of reality. The worst part is how the abuser will beat down your self-concept to rubble, then say something like “no one else would love you” (verbatim, in my case). I ended up having screaming matches with him on a regular basis and telling him to leave if he disliked everything about me so much, after which he would threaten suicide because I didn’t love him. He did this until I followed him to England from Canada. Then he was in control because I lived with his family and his mother could see no wrong in him. He ended up hitting me and trying to strangle me. It took a year for the abuse to get physical but eventually it did. Even after that, I didn’t leave right away. It took a few months. I was in shock. He had bombarded me with attention and isolated me from my family and friends, taken me to another country and then tried to control everything from the clothes I wore to the way I spoke. Even knowing he was abusive and the relationship was wrong, after I finally left, it felt like I had a huge aching hole inside for several months.

  17. Congratulations on leaving such an awful person. I agree, sometimes we can get into thinking that feminist women, women who are very aware and against abuse in relationships cannot fall victim. But being a victim of an abusive partner is not related to beleifs, intelligence, class, politics, religion, anything like that. Women and men from all walks of life can be victims and all matter. Stay strong. I am sure he’ll have his mates and whoever believe you are the bad one and he is the victim. Maybe he is so lacking in insight that he partly believes it himself. But it doesn’t make it true. He doesn’t define what the truth is. Best wishes, thanks for sharing.

    • The problem with emotional abuse is that it makes you feel so inferior that you think you’re just messing with yourself when you feel like something’s wrong..

  18. Well done for having the strength to get him out. I went through a very similar thing with my ex-boyfriend and it took me years to remember that I’m not a fat, crazy, over-reacting idiot who can’t function without his manly presence. I can’t say getting out of that relationship triggered a ‘eureka’ moment where life went back to being brilliant, but I am now singing along to my ipod again – having realised I spent those three years with no music in my life at all.
    Love and support to all those going through the same thing – we’re worth so much better.

  19. I was in a relationship like that too. It wasn’t as bad as this story, but he definitely made me feel like I was below him. It all started great. I had someone to look up to, and he was really sweet and romantic. But when I moved to the town he lived in, and we started seeing each other more often, the trouble started. I was over at his place all the time, and since he had a job, I did find it reasonable to cook and clean for us. But when he lost that job, and I went to school, he didn’t do the same for me. I still cooked for us, but he started telling me more and more that I should cook like his mom does. I can cook quite well and I find my own cooking a lot more tasty than his mom’s, but whenever I carefully brought that up he would act as if I had just insulted everything he was. He was always emotionally tripping me like that, acting as if I was hurting him. Before I met him, I was still friends with my ex, but he didn’t like it if I even talked to him. He did allow it, but he used the emotionally tripping thing again. He would spend a lot of time with his friends, which is cool with me, but he would almost never let me go with him when he was visiting his friends. When I asked him to give a little bit more attention to me, and told him that I was feeling ignored, he said I was too controlling and obsessive over him. All that went on for a while. At some point he wanted to join the army as a technician, and he didn’t give a shit about what I thought about that. I told him he would probably feel the same way if I would have to go away for 4 months and he couldn’t join me, but he denied that. Shortly after that, one of his friends was being an asshole towards me, and he didn’t even slightly defend me. He said he didn’t want to come between whatever fight was between me and that friend. Shortly after that, I was finally fed up with his shit and broke up. About a month later, I found the most amazing guy who does appreciate me. 8 months later, we’re still together :3

  20. Nora, thank you for writing this! My most recent serious boyfriend (who I amazingly managed to stay with for two years!) was exactly like this. Thankfully that ended early last year, but even so, it still seems far too recent. He wouldn’t even let me call me his girlfriend outside of the room that we shared (and which he secretly made me pay more than my half for…). Like you, I take responsibility, but have no doubt that he knew exactly how I was feeling and continued to feel each time he had episodes. And they were always my fault. I stupidly decided to move to a big city, and in with him, after knowing him for about two weeks. He made me cry within four days. My ‘favourite’ episode of The Most Tumultuous Relationship I’ll Ever Allow Myself To Be In, being when i bought him a green hoodie. I bought it out of kindness, not for any reason – something I do for a lot of people, but which he most often saw as me trying to “buy his love”, which I shouldn’t ever have been on receiving. Something he openly told me as his live-in girlfriend – “don’t get attached”. Anyway, he told me he didn’t like that it was a marled material and I went and bought a more expensive plain one the next day. As it was nearing the end of the relationship, I suppose I must have been cockier than usual, and when he didn’t really like the second one either (despite it meeting all his required criteria), I said ‘fine’ and that I would keep it, which made him mental, and this time, made him assault me. When I passed out, I woke up on his (our) bed with my ‘half’ of the rent thrown over me, and him telling me to leave and get a hostel and stop looking for reasons for him to feel sorry for me – him hitting me. How dare I take a gift that he didn’t want, need, pay for or appreciate back! Insane. Needless to say, he is currently the owner of that hoodie, and I kick myself every time I see anyone pass me in a green hoodie.

    Emotional abuse is so borderline. I knew he would tip eventually and the end of our relationship definitely saw the tipping point. At one point, I lost my voice for three months straight. Sometimes when I tried to talk to him he told me to “shut the fuck up” (which was often anyway) but this time it was because it was irritating having to try and work out what I was saying. Including when I was telling him I loved him. I’m an idiot.

    I’m never putting myself through that again. Worst two years of my life.

  21. Thanks for writing this. You have been really brave to leave this abusive man. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 4 years when I was young and for years afterwards I questioned how I had got into that situation. My advice would be not to dwell on it and just to be proud that you escaped. I ended up marrying a wonderful man and we have a completely respectful, loving, equal, healthy relationship. There is no reason why you can’t have the same now that you have got shot of this loser and once you’ve got to know yourself again. You deserve the best.

  22. I could have written much of this myself five years ago. I genuinely didn’t realise until after I had left my ex just how abusive our relationship had been. The in the first few months without him, despite suddenly being a single parent with a new baby, I was euphoric.

    Emotional abuse is the gift that keeps on giving though. I met (and have recently gotten engaged to) a wonderful man who is everything I could possibly want in a partner – I spent the first year or so of our relationship waiting for the other shoe to drop, and wondering when he’d realise that I’m actually a terrible girlfriend who ruins people’s lives.

    It’s an ongoing thing . I still apologise more than I need to. I struggle to express my feelings; I still bottle things up and pretend everything is fine even when it’s not. My partner reminds me sometimes that I don’t need to thank him for absolutely everything he does, because the sort of normal, considerate things that people do for their partners seems like incredible kindness to me.

    Well done for leaving. It takes immense strength to leave someone after they’ve eroded your self-esteem.

  23. “Shut the fuck up!” was the line that did it for me, that made me realize just how bad the marriage was, and long had been. I stayed after that, though, until the morning that he logged onto my computer and downloaded emails and chat logs and then confronted me about why I was talking about our problems with strangers on the Internet, though by then they weren’t strangers at all, at least not to me. Never mind the invasion of my privacy, he announced that he wanted a divorce, expecting that I would beg him to stay. Instead, I replied by shouting, “Hallelujah, so do I!” From that point on, he was incapable of manipulating me and abusing me emotionally. That was 18+ years ago. I celebrate the divorce date with great gusto, with the wonderful man — now my husband — I met a few short weeks after the divorce was final.

  24. I went through something very similar. You could almost be describing my own thoughts. Thankfully, I wasn’t married to the piece of shit and managed to escape years ago. It has had a lasting effect of my self-confidence. I too felt absolutely and gloriously free when he was gone but I definitely recommend counselling to work through all the negativity you’ve had projected onto you. It’s more toxic than you realise.
    Thank you for sharing your story Nora. I wish you every happiness now that you’re free.

  25. Thank you for writing this. I’ve never had this with a partner, but my mother was exceedingly emotionally abusive all the way through my childhood and adolescence, driving me to depression and bulimia (the eating disorder developing out of a desperate attempt to please her by being thinner. As you describe, I was desperate for approval despite everything.) She made me believe that the things she did and said were trivial and that I was over-reacting, and that she couldn’t possibly be abusing me because she was hardly ever physical and all my material needs were met or exceeded, since my family are pretty well-off.

    It wasn’t until I moved away to university and saw my friends’ (and later the welfare staff’s) horrified reactions to the things I told them, and when they instantly saw right through her facade when she visited, that I realised I wasn’t spoilt, crazy or manipulative, as she’d made me believe, but that I’d been right all along. I literally cried with relief.

    It’s easy to think that “emotional abuse” is just a trendy buzz phrase for attention seekers or the politically correct if you have no experience of it, but it is very, very real. I’m fortunate enough not to be able to compare it to other forms of abuse myself, so I can’t say if it’s as bad as physical abuse etc, but it is a huge problem, and a much harder one to prove and intervene in.

  26. You’ve made absolutely the best decision for yourself. But don’t be surprised if you keep dealing with the fallout of his garbage for a while. I was in an emotionally unhealthy marriage for nearly ten years, and I still struggle with behaviors I taught myself in order to preserve the peace, even in a new and much more functional relationship. Have patience and compassion for yourself as you recover and rediscover who you truly are. You are a brave woman and an inspiration and light to a lot of others.

  27. wow, Nora, well done!
    although I haven’t ever been married, I have experienced emotional abuse, never feeling good enough, being manipulated and told what to wear and how to do my hair and makeup, feeling lucky to have that monster in my life, I didn’t realise it was emotional abuse until after I had left him, I really lost “me” when I did and now she’s back and sassier than ever. :)
    girls, if you recognise even one of these things, leave your partner, he/she really isn’t worth it, you should always feel okay to be the truest you that you can be!
    Nora this is a stunning piece of writing and it really shows how brave you are, truly inspiring!

  28. Nora – thank you for writing this article and sharing your story, it’s so important for emotional abuse to be recognised, it’s present in violent abusive relationships and often can be the pre-curser to violence.

    You didn’t mention if you are getting any support, and I would encourage you and anyone else going through this to contact a local domestic abuse organisation. Women’s Aid can help you find your local service: http://www.womensaid.org.uk/azrefuges.asp?section=00010001000800060002&itemTitle=A-Z+of+services

  29. bravo. It took me years to shake loose of an emotional abuser; it’s insidious, and suddenly you are drowning in a sea of shit that only started as a few gentle drops. Thank the gods for the internet, and also books from Lundy Bancroft and Patricia Evans. One of them (I think) noted that, for controlling people, EVERYthing in the world is a win-lose situation. EVERYthing. Like whether you decide to eat ice cream or not. It’s kind of hard to grasp if you’re the kind of person who doesn’t ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS have to win. But once you realise these are win-hungry aliens, it’s best to leave and find your on species!

  30. GREAT article. An eloquent, accurate, enlightening account of emotional abuse that will help many others stuck in the same situation. What happened to you is not your fault. You are not an idiot for staying, you are a hero for breaking free after such a systematic attack on your self esteem.
    Well done for getting free.

  31. Like you said, tell the truth even if your voice shakes (paraphrase). I was in a relationship like this many years ago and the scars are still there. The faster you get out, the fewer the scars so you did the right thing getting out.

    Hope you can remember be good to yourself as you recover – it can be difficult. It will probably have diminished your confidence (but hasn’t stopped your eloquence). A virtual hug (if that’s not intrusive).

    Weirdly, they can suck you back in though: I ended up so confused that I went back after first making the break. If you do feel that after a few months, I hope you have good friends around you to strengthen you. It depends how disorientated you got. Wishing you all the luck and goodwill in the world.

  32. Brilliant article. This is why I love Vagenda so much! I admire your honesty, guts and determination to end a cycle of emotional abuse. I also admire that you admit shock at working out what was going on. Relationships are tricky, and it’s always easy think you’d theoretically be stronger if you were faced with the same situation. I felt the same, until it gradually dawned on me that a previous boyfriend was treating me almost word for word like you describe, with the added bonus of constantly implying my “class” i.e. working class, made me less than him. It’s hard to imagine the mind games that are employed but you succinctly smashed through them all. I wish I’d had your article three years ago, one again…Brilliant!

  33. Well done Nora. I left an emotionally abusive relationship earlier this year. I am still recovering but every day I feel relief and gratitude that I am finally out of it and free to be myself. That feeling of emptiness when you leave such a relationship is very common. I did some research on trauma bonding and that really helped me to understand why I felt the way I did, and to keep going. Congratulations to anyone who has managed to leave this type of relationship – it can feel like the most difficult thing in the world. Your story will inspire many people in this situation.

  34. I would really recommend the book ‘Codependency for Dummies’ by Darlene Lancer. Has information and helps you work towards better self esteem. I’ve found it REALLY helpful.

  35. Good for you. It took me years to realise I was in an unhealthy relationship, and didn’t even equate it to emotional abuse until this year, seven years after I left him.

  36. Dear Nora,
    you should be proud of yourself! don’t ever question the reasons you stayed. people make mistakes all the time, it’s only human.
    i wish you stay strong! never compromise the respect you deserve because you deserve the world and more.
    you should see yourself as the liberator, the queen who set herself free.
    go on and walk proudly on earth :)

  37. I recognise a lot of this behaviour and afterwards wondering what the hell I was thinking putting up with it. I’m guessing your partner was also very charming (at least at the start), or disclosed so muchabout himself (or at least so it seemed) that a sense of very close intimacy was created early in the relationship. I think the reason we don’t speak up and step away sooner is because these people deliberately target very nice, compassionate caring people who want to help and see the best in others. Women are particularly at risk as we are raised not to kick up a fuss, to be nurturing etc. Well done for walking away, but there is no blame attached to you or anyone else who goes through this.

  38. Don’t blame yourself. The thing with emotional abuse is it’s often mainly an unreasonable number of fairly reasonable requests, if that makes sense? Asking your partner to stay home and hang out one evening instead of meeting their friends? Pretty normal, or at least not worrying. That moment when you realise you haven’t seen your friends for 3 months? Horrifying. Being happy that your partner said you looked good in something and wearing similar things more often because who doesn’t like a compliment? Normal and harmless. Realising he’s given detailed reviews of everything you own and “compliment-instructing” you to wear things? Scary. But it takes a very aware person to realise it’s happening, because each incident on it’s own seems like no big deal. The only thing you did wrong was trust him to act like a normal human being.

  39. I can really relate to Nora.
    My husband by all intent and purposes is the ‘happy, fun, chappy’ outside to everyone but indoors he is a miserable, self-absorbed pig. We are in debt up to our eyeballs because of his stupid hobby which he has spent thousands of pounds on.
    The whole household walks about on eggshells-I work 2 jobs literally to pay my bills. Things are so bad that I have begged him not to spend any money I have had to use money I saved for Christmas to bail my account out and then borrow £400 from my daughter just so that I could pay my mortgage. This is a regular occurrence and yet he thinks nothing of buying himself a £14.00 breakfast.
    I will be honest at 46 I have not got a pot to piss in. I have huge debts because I had to pay household insurances and bills and shopping on credit cards where he drained our account because of his hobby. I have mental health issues of depression and anxiety and now my blood pressure is dangerously high.
    Coming from divorced parents I tried to stay with him for my daughter’s sake now she is 19 now she is older finished her education I need to get out! She wants me to as well-he is a bastard to her too. We have to walk around on eggshells-I actually feel physically sick when he is due to come home from work. He does not wash regularly and speaks to me and her like crap. I just wish I had left him years ago when my daughter was younger and I could have got help. I mean I am not going to get any support from the authorities am I as my daughter is older and I am 46. I cannot even afford to rent as I do not earn much and I have to pay all these debts. I feel so helpless my mum cannot believe how browbeaten I am and it upsets her. Please has anyone got any ideas of where I can go for help I honestly feel I would be better off dead and honestly believe that he won’t be happy until he has put me in a mental institution. I feel bad complaining as many suffering from physical abuse would wonder what my problem is but please I am not devaluing domestic abuse but sometimes I wish he would just hit me and get it over with instead of making our lives a living hell for days on end. Thank you it helped a bit by writing this x

  40. Hi Mandy,
    Perhaps you can arrange a meeting at the Citizen’s Advice Bureau – they may be able to offer free advice on your financial and legal situation with your husband.
    You do not deserve to be treated this way. Even though you feel hopeless now please remember that you CAN break free!
    Sending you love
    Xxx

  41. God bless you for realizing and being strong. I have tried to leave so many times. I’ve moved from Florida to Massachusetts within a 3 months twice and still came back to him in the end I’m So weak. I break down but hate him so bad in my heart I have a 1 year old daughter and he’s so good with her but she sees the pain he causes. I hope one day I get the strength its just soooooo hard it hurts everyday. He’s about to come home I’m shaking not knowing what’s gonna happen any day any time. God bless all the strong women out there I look up too.

  42. Hi Sara,
    Thank you for your kind words and advice. And Kelsey, we can do it I am now determined it won’t be tomorrow I know that but it will happen.I have read the blogs of others and I am taking courage from them-life is too short!
    Much love everyone and wishing you a better and happier 2015.
    xxxx

  43. I am so glad I found this article when I did. I thought my husband and mine’s fights were completely normal and played his name calling off as, “Oh, he was just mad. He didn’t mean it.”
    I left him last night with our two girls and he is wanting to meet this weekend to talk it out. He agreed to go to counseling “for the girls sake”. How about for OUR sake?
    I can’t help but just feel done with this toxic relationship. I can only take so many empty apologies.

  44. I’m unsure what am living with and wonder where am goin wrong. I have two children to a previous partner and one baby to him. Am a slag for having kids before I met him and he says this quite easily off his tongue am fat and he doesn’t like the look of me since having my 6 month old as my trousers are slightly bigger. He’s gutted am his kids mum cos in his eyes am a fat mess and a slag. He does nothing round the house and occasionally works as he’s at college. Am do in a degree that’s just a bout to end and u guessed it am far to thick. He constantly calls me names and today am allowed no bill money or food money. He slates my family I respond by sayin stuff back but he shouts above me or walks our and won’t listen he always had me in tears and slammed the door on my knee laughing when u had a few tears sayin my knees in there. Appently am lazy I do all the house chores and look after three kids I also have a full time job that at the mo am on maternity leave for. Am I being abused or is this normal and am just not coping in a relationship.

    • Hello
      It does sound as though your partner is abusive. We are so sorry to hear that you are going through this. We hope that you feel able to confide in a friend or to call women’s aid on 0808 2000 247 (lines open 24 hours). All the best of luck and love from the Vagenda x

  45. Gosh how much better I felt reading this. I too have been looking up online for help. I know my partner needs help this is twice now that I’ve been in Emotional abusive relationships without knowing it. My question is WHY me? I feel powerless I feel alone I feel like I’m about to fall and no one is going to be there to hold me up when I fall. I feel physically and emotionally drained and I have nothing left! I was with my ex husband for 13 years an alcoholic I finally left him and he couldn’t handle it so decided to stab my partner I was with at the time and got himself locked up. We had 6 kids together. My current partner has drained the hell out of me. We have 2 kids together and is forever blaming me for things can’t admit he has done wrong and when angry punches walls or himself continually swears in front of my kids where they start crying. Threatens to take my kids away from me and self harms himself. I feel like I can’t talk to him can’t even cry coz all he would do is get angry and start punching things.
    I’m tired and I just want me back. So lost right now. Love everyone’s stories they make me feel like I’m not alone.
    Thank you xx

  46. So this week he’s had two outbursts at me the first one consisted of him punching my bedroom door and threatening to punch my face in, called me fat slag and whatever else he could and then threw something soft at me towards my head but i ducked and missed it.the next outburst seemed a bit worse he punched doors kicked my furniture threw shoes screamed and shouted abuse at me and then repeatedly spat on my bedroom carpet. Then afterwards stood and watched me scrub it. What am I living with will he continue or will he think he’s done enough and stop.

  47. I am really glad I came across this article. I have been married for almost 8 years, and only recently did I think it was a possibility that I was being abused mentally. I told myself I would never be in a relationship where a guy would physically abuse me and he never has, but nothing prepared me for this. It was actually a few friends that really brought it to my attention, and at first I thought they were crazy but the more I researched and thought about it, I realized they were right. I still think I am a little crazy because I only just came to accept it last evening and I am trying to sort it out because we do have a child and I don’t want her to grow up around that. He is constantly putting me down and making me feel like I am not important. Its always superficial stuff as well, at no time in our 8 years of marriage did he ever tell me I was beautiful, and if I did receive a compliment it was followed by something else that i needed to work on. I never was heavy but having a baby changes your body and so I started making some changes and dropped some weight, he didn’t even notice or comment. I feel really good about my accomplishment, then there is another issue. He likes to watch porn and he keeps hundreds of pictures on his phone, I think he has a problem but when I bring it up it turns into an argument. I think that’s where a lot of this plays into, he wants someone who looks like that, and compares me to them. So now his latest thing is he wants me to get breast implants. I have always been a B cup and was okay with what the good Lord gave me, but now he says he doesn’t want to have sex until I decide to get bigger breasts. That was my turning point last night and started to wonder why did he marry me in the first place? I have always been just how I am, and pretty happy with myself. I worked hard in life to get to where I am and want someone who is going to appreciate that. At this point I am unsure what to do, I have a lot of family who can help me but at the same time I want to work it out. He plays a lot of video games and spends pretty much all his time glued to the TV. He is nicer to the complete strangers he plays with than to me. He says we have nothing in common since I wont sit down and play for hours with him on the game. I am not sure where to go from here because I have yet to really confront him about it. Again thanks for posting this in the first place, it really helped me make sense out of what’s going on and to realize its not me, its him.

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